PET LIZARD!

May 1, 2008 by tennapel

It’s one of those moments all fathers relish, a right of passage if you will. The passing on of a skill from one generation to the other. A tear is shed. Today I took my son lizard fishing.

That’s right, in my house we fish for lizards. Some 800 years ago, when I was just a lad, we didn’t have video games of lizards. We caught real ones. I caught hundreds of “blue bellies” also known as the Fence Swift, the most common lizard in these parts…perhaps in the world. They have blue and black streaks across their white bellies and do push ups in the sun.

Anyways, my son Ed (who didn’t know that Blue Bellies were about as common as houseflies) found a lizard basking in the sun and called me outside. I ran upstairs, grabbed a spool of thread and made a slip-knot (slip-knots are a lesson for another time) then let out about four feet of thread.

Lizards are dumb. They don’t generally run away unless you get within a four foot range. Probably poor eye-site or just hoping their brown camouflage throws you by sitting still. They’ll sit there as you work the loop over their head from far above. Once the slip-knot is around the neck, they can run off all they want because you’ve got em’.

Ed (age 4) screamed and cheered as I (age 41) hopped up and down with my catch. He had a tail about half the size of a normal Fence Swift so he must have lost it some time last summer. Their tails come off pretty easily at the base and nerves in the tail wiggle so a predator will work on the tail while the lizard runs away. Genius! I mean, Random Mutation!

We got one of my aquariums out of the garage and put a layer of sand down, added a rock, up-ended a water-bottle lid to act as a trough and found some crickets in the garage for food. Now we wait…because this is the fattest blue belly I’ve ever seen and I have a feeling she’s pregnant.

Who Are You to Judge?

April 29, 2008 by tennapel

I work hard to keep optimistic about America. Europe is pretty much done. The rest of the world is a hell hole of human suffering, civil rights violations and criminal activity. Rousseau’s noble savage eats his young. But America is the bulwark that holds back the ocean with a broom. God, I love my country.

But even my own country is under assault. Not by weapons and armies, you can’t beat a country built on an idea with guns. Guns don’t kill ideas…ideas kill ideas. So I’m declaring war on Subjectivism. Our schools aren’t supposed to teach religion, but if you remove the foundation of the Judeo-Christian world view, you don’t teach tolerance, you teach that Judeo-Christianity shouldn’t be taught.

My daughter has spent her first year in kindergarten and Daddy has been monitoring the year’s holidays to see what she’s actually learning from school. Thanksgiving, according to public school is a day to be thankful…for anything. But when George Washington actually signed the proclamation for Thanksgiving the day was “to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many and signal favors of Almighty God.”

“Christmas”, my daughter learned, isn’t generally spoken. It’s a celebration of “Happy Holidays”. It could be a winter holiday dedicated to your toe-nail but the name of Christ is not dispersed in the reading materials, incorporated into the crafts or named by the school. It’s controversial, and I agree that Christ is controversial. I just think it’s a good kind of controversy. And it’s an official government holiday. “Happy Holiday” is not the holiday. It’s “Christmas”. There’s the big bad word you’re not allowed to say in public school. Lock the doors. Gather up your children. They’re going to say the word “Christ” and “mass” in public. It’s the end of the world.

But then comes EARTHDAY. You’d think the Son of God himself came in the form of a tree. Crimony! My children were sent home with flyers naming “Mother Earth” as worth protecting. The homework assignments were full of objective moral truth statements using phrases like “we should recycle” and “we ought to keep our rivers clean”. It is the only morality my children are formally taught in school, and it is a collection of faith statements marked by a glorious holiday where they shut down streets in my city, the children’s channels celebrate and actually name the day. Jesus!

Who am I to judge Earthday? On what grounds do any of us have to call something actually right or wrong? I’ve been reading ETHICS by Louis Pojman and he carefully dismantles the philosophy of Subjective Ethical Relativism and it’s freaking me out, because this is the primary religion taught in my own culture…yes, even within the American Christian church.

Indulge me, read this section and don’t try to guess who said it. Just read it and tell me if it’s something that you generally find traded among the good people of the United States:

Then I learned that all moral judgments are “value judgments,” that all value judgments are subjective, and that none can be proved to be either “right” or “wrong.” I even read somewhere that the Chief Justice of the United States had written that the American Constitution expressed nothing more than collective value judgments. Believe it or not, I figured out for myself - what apparently the Chief Justice couldn’t figure out for himself””that if the rationality of one value judgment was zero, multiplying it by millions would not make it one whit more rational. Nor is there any “reason” to obey the law for anyone, like myself, who has the boldness and daring “” the strength of character “” to throw off its shackles. …

“Who are you to judge?” is a statement I hear often in moral debates. It is in itself a value judgment so it’s self-refuting, but that’s beside the point. The people who let this one fly think they’re pretty damned smart. This is our culture’s trump card. It’s also played in the company of similar cards like “That’s true for you but not for me.” and “Who determines right and wrong, you?!”

These are all statements of Subjectivism and they are articulated by our culture, and the man who gave the above statement, serial killer Ted Bundy. No, I’m not saying that those who believe Subjectivism are going to be mass murderers. But I am saying that you must philosophically be a Subjectivist before you can be a Ted Bundy.

Here’s more of the Ted Bundy statement which is paraphrased by historian Harry Jaffa:

I discovered that to become truly free, truly unfettered, I had to become truly uninhibited.

Is this Ted Bundy or my university’s Bachelor of Arts Program?

And I quickly discovered that the greatest obstacle to my freedom, the greatest block and limitation to it, consists in the insupportable value judgment” that I was bound to respect the rights of others. I asked myself, who were these “others”? Other human beings, with human rights? Why is it more wrong to kill a human animal than any other animal, a pig or a sheep or a steer? Is your life more to you than a hog’s life to a hog?

Darwin, Dawkins, Singer, Shermer.

Why should I be willing to sacrifice my pleasure more for the one than for the other? Surely, you would not, in this age of scientific enlightenment, declare that God or nature has marked some pleasures as “moral” or “good” and others as “immoral” or “bad”?

Best-selling authors Sam Harris and Christopher Hitchens.

In any case, let me assure you, my dear young lady, that there is absolutely no comparison between the pleasure I might take in eating ham and the pleasure I anticipate in raping and murdering you. That is the honest conclusion to which my education has led me””after the most conscientious examination of my spontaneous and uninhibited self.

Most Subjectivists are hypocrites. They may preach that Judeo-Christian values are an illusion but they don’t live that way. We have a word for people who actually create a morality of their own and ignore the values of the real world, “Sociopath”.

Earbuds

April 28, 2008 by tennapel

I exploded yet another set of earbuds on my tiny pocket radio. I leaned over and the wire slack looped around an unseen drawer knob. When I stood back up the wire jerked tight, so that the speakers lost power in both ears (usually the plug just comes out of the radio, but not this time).

Can any smart people tell me when we can have wireless power? That will be a real invention, not this iPod junk. Batteries were impressive 80 years ago, what have you invented for me lately?

Meanwhile, I’ve only needed to replace my pocket radio twice in ten years but I’ve been through about twenty sets of earphones. I use my iPod shuffle for two weeks and the left ear starts to crackle due to poor power connection inside the speaker. And because they’re APPLE brad headphones they cost five hundred million dollars a pair.

Come See Me Today at the LA Times Festival of Books

April 27, 2008 by tennapel

If you are near the UCLA campus today, stop in to the LA TIMES FESTIVAL OF BOOKS. Admission is free and I’ll be signing my books all day at the Image Comics booth.

Earthworm Jim Option

April 23, 2008 by tennapel

Yeah, you know it’s bad when you have to pay for the option of your own character. There’s something unnatural about that, like taking a crap backwards. But here’s the news:

Press Release.

“Interplay Entertainment Corp. announced today that the company signed a partnership arrangement with Earthworm Jim creator Douglas TenNapel to relaunch the videogame icon.

TenNapel will serve as a creative consultant on Earthworm Jim 4, and will simultaneously develop an animated series and feature film to expand the well known brand.”

Tell your friends. Jim. Is. Back.

Pencil Day

April 22, 2008 by tennapel

I warned my kids at breakfast today that the teacher would probably make them do a craft involving trees, clean water and hemp. I told my kids they were allowed to inform the teacher that our family doesn’t celebrate Earth Day. It’s against our religion (that being Reason) and it celebrates non-achievement so that empty humanists can blind themselves into thinking they’re doing something morally good.

We used to celebrate great people and great achievements. The Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. accomplished something great, my children sent home with notes that bitch at me about changing light-bulbs is not heroic. It’s not a sin to litter. It is a sin for 14 year olds to give head in the school bathrooms but they only learn about the sin of littering in school.

Our culture is diverse. That’s supposed to be why our public schools don’t ram a theistic ideology down student’s throats by allowing for school prayer. But if you don’t recycle enough, or if you leave a light on while in the room you just committed the holy of holies and you are going to Green Hell.

I don’t have a problem with the Earth. If the earth wants to grow mold and grass and make lava I have no beef with that. But it’s about as heroic as a pencil, and my pencil probably has more to do with Global Warming than all of the litter in the world.

Now this is addressed to the Christians. I was raised to think Christians weren’t stupid but now I’m starting to have my doubts. Perhaps following Christ really does make one particularly vulnerable to copying every whim the secular culture chooses to treat as a Messiah. Show me a Christian getting hysterical about clean rivers and I’ll show you a person who doesn’t give a flying shit about killing Islamic radical terrorists.

But fighting terrorists isn’t very fashionable these days, it’s a lot easier to terrify children into thinking they’ll be under water in 20 years. America kills 5,000 unborn humans every day and I’m supposed to get pissed at my kids for not reusing our plastic shopping bags. When slavery was legal in America you had Republican Christians fighting to free blacks while the Democrat Christians wanted the right to keep them. Likewise in WW2 you had Christians marching as Nazis for Hitler as well as Christians fighting to kill them. What if in the middle of those very important wars you had Christians fighting for the rights to make good pencils?

Happy Pencil Day.

Well, Now It Is

April 17, 2008 by tennapel

I try to say “Hey” to people I jog past in my neighborhood so they don’t think I’m psycho. It just seems kind of weird to run past someone without saying anything. I feel guilty. If I run past an old lady walking it feels like I’m making fun of her age. In my mind I hear the sound of a hot-rod as I pass her, “BRRREEEEOOOOOWWW!!!” So I try to lessen the blow of me creaming her on the road by saying, “Good morning as I pass.”

If a pretty woman runs by me it gets awkward. Suddenly I feel like I can’t look at her, but I always suspect people who won’t make eye-contact with me when walking down the sidewalk. So I look at the woman, I don’t want to be a creep and say nothing but being too warm could also be creepy, if you know what I mean. So usually I try to give a non-threatening, “Hey.”

In short, “Hey” has become my answer to everyone but the old ladies who get a generous “Good morning”.

But I was blown away by a man who jogged by me last week. I was at the end of my run so I looked like a corpse finishing a marathon. I looked up at him and said, “Hey.” and he responded with the most amazing greeting that really knocked me out, “Oh, isn’t it just a really swell day?”

I officially love that guy. He made my day, my week, my year. I can’t stop thinking about how much better he’s making my neighborhood by greeting people like that. He made me feel like a cheap-skate for only saying, “Hey”. I woke up in the middle of the night and pictured that guy running by me. Who was that guy?! “Oh, Isn’t it just a really swell day?” Hmmm.

MLK

April 6, 2008 by tennapel

You know a black man has respect when even white people are trying to attach their wagon to him. Even I, the whitest of white men have a deep connection with THE REVEREND because of my religion. Frankly, it’s the influence of Christ (and Ghandi) on King that set him apart as a unique, visionary leader, not his skin pigment. Had he been a Muslim, an atheist, or whatever Obama is this week, we wouldn’t see politicians desperately hooking their values onto his.

The power of MLK’s words were grounded in reason, theology and the Constitution. He made air-tight arguments and never came off as a victim. Murdered before he turned 40, The Reverend King took the high road without trying to be some black messiah. He offered real hope…not in his charisma or momentum of emotion, but because of his sound arguments.

MLK died for his ideas, they weren’t radical enough or race-based enough for some. His dream was for his children to be treated equally, not to get them government health care and safe, legal, rare abortions. Today’s black leaders are a complete fraud, Obama included. They twist what was great about The Reverend King into some gross money-grabbing political scam.

MLK wasn’t killed because he was black. He wasn’t great because he was black any more than I’m great because I’m tall. Whites didn’t own blacks because of their skin color either. People owned slaves because mankind is an opportunist and will use any excuse to rationalize his own sin. MLK didn’t die over a white problem, he shed light on a human problem that still exists today in every race, religion and sex wherever mankind goes…there goes his problem.

My Seamonkeys are Married

March 30, 2008 by tennapel

I can tell because the female seamonkeys publicly undermine the little male seamonkeys at social events.

Seamonkeys are brine shrimp and when they come of age, the males hold on to the females and they swim together for a couple of days. The females have two wads at the base of the tail that are egg sacks. The eggs are pink in color and eventually drop off.

Sadly, as soon as the eggs are laid other adult seamonkeys devour the eggs. It’s damned tough being a brine shrimp.

My kids saw the Seamonkeys swimming together and asked, “What are they doing, daddy?”
I said, “When they swim together like that it means they got married.”

Watching Miss Guided

March 27, 2008 by tennapel

There’s this new show on ABC called “MISS GUIDED” and you should watch it because it’s funny, cute and tells the true stories of what we all suspected were going on in the High School teacher’s lounge.

The other reason you should watch is to see my friend Kristoffer Polaha play a lead character named “Tim”…I can’t tell if he’s oblivious or a scoundrel or just an oblivious scoundrel but it’s funny. It’s on tonight at 8PM up against Survivor so your viewership will help a good show look even better.

MISS GUIDED!