It’s the Thought That Counts

I don’t have to worry about my Beloved finding out that I got her a Valentine’s gift today because she doesn’t read this. But I’m sure one of her busy-body friends is going to tell her about this post so I’ll try to not spill any details that would ruin the suspense of our Valentine’s celebration.

I was just thinking today about how great Valentine’s Day is for romantically handicapped people like me. I could try to do the romance thing, but though my mind would be thinking Carey Grant, my beloved would be thinking Bambi on ice. I’m sorry, but if I read poetry to my bride we’d both laugh. Brad Pitt is probably really romantic and BIG DEAL! How hard is it for him to roll out of bed, look pouty and bite a rose in his teeth. I’d build an effing perpetual motion machine before I’d achieve the same effect.

The fun part of Valentine’s Day is to get to participate. I remember my first 21 years where there was nobody with which to celebrate the holiday. Those were dark days. I wore my black trench-coat and took my mullet to the ocean and looked off the pier. Into the night sky. Cursing the God who wasn’t there. Was there even one woman on the whole planet who didn’t have a boyfriend/husband? Because they are all walking in front of me right now making out on this pier.

Well, this is my 18th Valentine’s Day with a lover to share it with. I’ll tell you right now that my gifts will not add up. No matter what I do it ain’t gonna fly. I got my Beloved two blouses for Christmas and they didn’t even hit the floor before they were taken back to the store, traded in for clothes that someone with taste would wear. Who was I to think I could buy her clothing? I’ve never even found something that fit me!

So this is my apology in advance to my Beloved. The greatest gift I could give was to buy it three days early to prove that I thought about it for more than 15 minutes. The store clerks were checking their watches wondering if I was ever going to buy those damned gifts I got you. I didn’t know. I was so unsure of myself that I passed the Lego store a few times wondering if I should just buy you a set and embrace defeat with gusto.