What I Learned About Myself from the Democratic Convention

I’m a Conservative Republican. After listening to the speakers at the Democratic Convention I learned a lot about myself I didn’t know before.

I want children to go to bed hungry. I want to ruin children’s education. I want children to perform worse and worse. I only care about children in traditional family structures, I don’t care about other children. I want to sell out the children’s future economically. I want to ruin the world for the future’s children. I work to make animals go extinct and try to make ocean levels rise so children can’t live anymore.

I want the rich to be richer. I only want a few to make all of their money off the backs of poor or real people who work hard. I want people to have unstable home loans to get them into a house, then I want them to lose their house. I try to lose jobs for people. I try to get as many families off of insurance as possible I don’t want anyone to have health care. I want to keep dying kids from getting medicine in Canada.

I hate brown people. I want Mexicans to die before going to the doctor. I want to use Mexicans for work and I don’t want them to get paid. I’ll give you one guess where I want their money to go…I want to give it to the rich! If I don’t vote for a brown person it’s because I’m not ready for brown in leadership. I don’t want women in leadership. I want to obstruct the progress of brown people and women who just want a job or want to succeed in politics.

I want war to last forever. I don’t care about our troops. I want people to die to get oil for the rich. I don’t want to catch Bin Laden. I don’t want to talk to foreign leaders, I want to end talks, go to war and piss off Europeans who have always loved us. I want us to be less prosperous than China and India. I want to give them our jobs. I want American industry to die and go overseas.

I don’t like unity. I want division. I don’t compromise the way the other side does. I just want to divide with my negative politics. I hate positive politics. I want a dirty campaign. I want to call names and not address issues. I want to protect the status que. I hate change if it involves good ideas.

I don’t like Obama because of his name. I don’t like Obama because I think he’s a Muslim. I don’t like Obama because he’s black. I don’t like Obama because his ears are too big.

I want the government in a woman’s womb. I’m against science. I don’t want gays to love each other because they aren’t like me. I want to stop love. I’m against hope. I think saying “we can” is stupid. I don’t think we can do anything. I don’t want those with horrible diseases to get help.

I think Christianity is just for my party. I think God is a Republican. I think we have control over all Christians. I like to take advantage of Christians. I lie. I lie to people to get what I need. I don’t really respect Christians I just want to pretend to be Christian so Christians will empower me to go to war for oil. I love oil. I don’t have any values but to serve oil companies. I’m in the pocket of the rich. I don’t have any agenda of my own but to protect the rich. And the Saudi Family. I just want to ally with the Saudi Family and screw over families in America.

My values are not American. My values are to help the rich. I took away America’s greatness. I’m preventing America from going back to a status of greatness like when Clinton was President. I want to go back to our time of failure like under Reagan. I want another president who will take away America’s greatness just like Reagan took away America’s greatness that Carter built up. Kennedy had him some American greatness, before Nixon came along and took America’s greatness away.

We have no arguments but to bring up Brittany Spears and Paris Hilton. We spend a lot of money to tell lies about Obama.

I want four more years of Bush. I want four more years of secret Cheney puppeteering on behalf of the oil companies. I want four more years of Bush joblessness. I want four more years of Bush expansion of government spending.

I have to be honest, I didn’t know any of this stuff about we Conservative Republicans before the Democratic Convention. I learned a lot about myself this week.

Notes On My Life From a Studio Exec

Dear Doug, just a few notes. LOVE YOUR WORK.

Recently, the people we buy are bought as pitches and concepts, not fully written people. You have too many children, too concrete of a world view. Divorce your wife at the end of the second act to put more at stake in the third act.

We’re looking for something unique and different, but not YOU unique and different. Give use unique and different but within the realm of seen-it and same. Can you be any less 6′8″? The audience has higher expectations thanks to people like Bono and Dali. Eccentric but bankable. Think Julie Taymor but talented and easy to work with.

Character is really important these days…I’m told. I haven’t greenlit anyone or anything with character though I once saw a guy tip the valet five dollars. Your character has come up a number of times and we’re hoping to see something new. Like character times character. I suggest you go to a coffee shop and overhear conversations. Try to get a stronger sense of how people talk and hear what sounds natural. Try to incorporate that into your general communication skill-set.

I can already hear you defending yourself against my notes. Middle aged writers like yourself will often defend themselves against notes without fulling hearing the note first. If you disagree with the note, know that I’m not the kind of executive who makes you take my notes. I’m just offering suggestions to make you into a better person. And by better person I mean ‘You without four kids, without your faith and without so much height’. I mean, damn, do you play basketball? (No, I didn’t write that joke. I hired David Mamet and he did a punch up after Darabont.) Anyways, please incorporate my notes or we’re going with another person.

Your first act was weak and that’s usually a bad sign especially when your life is at the turning point. I don’t see any villains either and that isn’t going to work on a hero’s journey. I don’t mean to presume…this is a hero’s journey, right? I mean, you’re 6′8″ so I didn’t think it was a RomCom.

Call me some time after the holidays and we’ll set lunch for a few months after that. LOVE. YOUR. WORK.