Advice for my son: How to slay a dragon

January 26, 2008

Dragons are real. They live by killing good things. There are no good dragons. The best technique to kill them is to know their nature. They have an aversion to crosses, some wicker products from Crate and Barrel or Pier 1 Imports and are drawn to virgins or good people or both.

What you do is draw the creature out of the pit using goodness as a bait, make sure the dragon is lunging and quickly dive to the left (the dragon’s right). The dragon’s heart is located on the right half of his ribcage. If he’s in full attack, his side will be stretched to the max and deliver the most vulnerable state you’re gonna get. Run your sword between whatever ribs are in front of you at the time but don’t let his blood stay on your skin for long periods of time or you’ll get AIDS and stuff.

I’m proud of you.

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