Fuck Whole Foods
February 1, 2008
I hate hysteria. There’s this giant, cultural meme shoved down my throat that a global warming apocalypse is coming to get us. We humans love doomsday scenarios probably because we like to feel smart…as if everyone else was duped but me. I saw the warning signs. Remember how the world was going to end at Y2k? Somehow, we survived. In 5th grade my teacher told me that before I graduated from college (in 1988) that there would be no more oil to pull out of the ground and that if I walked outside my skin would boil. Good, now can I throw my popsickle wrapper in the gutter without a sermon?
Our children (and we) deserve better than this. In 6th grade my teacher had us write letters to Starkist tuna demanding they use dolphin-safe nets in their fishing. Now, there may be very good environmental reasons for a tuna company to use these nets, but don’t put that burden on a 6th grader. So I graduated able to write a manipulative, tearful letter to tuna companies but I can barely handle basic division.
Now my kids learn about recycling from their public school. Why?! They can’t learn the 10 commandments like “Do not murder” but they can learn that it’s a sin to throw a tin can off the side of the road. You probably haven’t done that in years and let me tell you, it’s liberating. Want to throw off the shackles of your religion-saturated culture? Throw a tuna can on the ground of some pristine forest floor. Ah, freedom from the constraints of our parent’s values.
I have a confession. When the recycle bin is full I throw recyclable glass bottles into my normal trash can. Newspapers, plastic bags, cardboard boxes all go into my normal trash. That likely bothers you in the same way that I use the F-word in the title of this post. Frankly, I’m more disturbed by cussing which is soul pollution than physical pollution. In case you haven’t started your campaign to kill me know this, I’ve let a few dirty diapers “slip” into the recycle bin. I’m sociopath like that.
Now our churches are trying to go green. That means using those light-bulbs that look like IUDs instead of my normal lightbulbs in the sanctuary. Great now entire congregations have a new reason to struggle with self-righteousness. California is about to make traditional bulbs illegal the same way they want to make disposable shopping bags and frion illegal. You know, the government isn’t big enough. We need a few more departments of nannies to bitch at me about the thickness of the plastic in my fucking water bottle. Can I at least have the option to buy a thicker plastic water bottle for more money? I’ll pay more if you let me throw my bags away. Now that I think about it, I like a little dolphin in my tuna.
I’m a Christian and I already have my religion. It’s 2,000 years old and we have our rituals and holy scriptures and I don’t want to expand my religion to include your dogma. Don’t make Christianity green. Leave us alone. Quit preaching to me. I’m not interested in your apocalyptic faith statements that project L.A. underwater in 100 years. L.A. should be underwater now if a good God existed. Atheists around the world have adopted the “problem of L.A.” philosophy. They’ll have to abandon it if we submerge. I don’t care if my children have to move inland to survive in a polar-bearless world. We have no T-Rexes walking around any more and my children aren’t shedding a tear. I hope sharks go extinct. I hope raccoons, opossum and mosquitos go away forever. I’d even be willing to sacrifice some cute good animals to extinction if skunks were no longer around to move into the crawl-space of my house. Skunks, there’s a mistake of an animal if there ever was one. They have a tiny head…a stegosaurus covered in fur.
In that future world which me and my government cannot control I’m not so concerned that my kids will have to live inland but I do care that they don’t murder each other. Yeah, that’s me, Mr. Blasphemy. I flip a bird to the Recycling Pope. I’m a green atheist. You keep coming to my door giving me pamphlets and inviting me to Whole Foods Church and I remain apostate. I use your savior’s name in vain “Gore Damnit!” I have to listen to your pollution when you open your yap about the environment so you’ll have to eat some of my pollution that belches from my SUV. We have to tolerate each other’s religions but somehow, I don’t believe you’ll tolerate ‘my truth’…on Whole Foods there can be only one objective moral position and it’s your position.
Some day, perhaps not in my lifetime but in my children’s lifetime I see them flipping a bird to your religion and them going to jail. Good job, Whole Foods.