Fuck Whole Foods

February 1, 2008

I hate hysteria. There’s this giant, cultural meme shoved down my throat that a global warming apocalypse is coming to get us. We humans love doomsday scenarios probably because we like to feel smart…as if everyone else was duped but me. I saw the warning signs. Remember how the world was going to end at Y2k? Somehow, we survived. In 5th grade my teacher told me that before I graduated from college (in 1988) that there would be no more oil to pull out of the ground and that if I walked outside my skin would boil. Good, now can I throw my popsickle wrapper in the gutter without a sermon?

Our children (and we) deserve better than this. In 6th grade my teacher had us write letters to Starkist tuna demanding they use dolphin-safe nets in their fishing. Now, there may be very good environmental reasons for a tuna company to use these nets, but don’t put that burden on a 6th grader. So I graduated able to write a manipulative, tearful letter to tuna companies but I can barely handle basic division. 

Now my kids learn about recycling from their public school. Why?! They can’t learn the 10 commandments like “Do not murder” but they can learn that it’s a sin to throw a tin can off the side of the road. You probably haven’t done that in years and let me tell you, it’s liberating. Want to throw off the shackles of your religion-saturated culture? Throw a tuna can on the ground of some pristine forest floor. Ah, freedom from the constraints of our parent’s values. 

I have a confession. When the recycle bin is full I throw recyclable glass bottles into my normal trash can. Newspapers, plastic bags, cardboard boxes all go into my normal trash.  That likely bothers you in the same way that I use the F-word in the title of this post. Frankly, I’m more disturbed by cussing which is soul pollution than physical pollution. In case you haven’t started your campaign to kill me know this, I’ve let a few dirty diapers “slip” into the recycle bin. I’m sociopath like that.

Now our churches are trying to go green. That means using those light-bulbs that look like IUDs instead of my normal lightbulbs in the sanctuary. Great now entire congregations have a new reason to struggle with self-righteousness. California is about to make traditional bulbs illegal the same way they want to make disposable shopping bags and frion illegal. You know, the government isn’t big enough. We need a few more departments of nannies to bitch at me about the thickness of the plastic in my fucking water bottle. Can I at least have the option to buy a thicker plastic water bottle for more money? I’ll pay more if you let me throw my bags away. Now that I think about it, I like a little dolphin in my tuna. 

 I’m a Christian and I already have my religion. It’s 2,000 years old and we have our rituals and holy scriptures and I don’t want to expand my religion to include your dogma. Don’t make Christianity green. Leave us alone. Quit preaching to me. I’m not interested in your apocalyptic faith statements that project L.A. underwater in 100 years. L.A. should be underwater now if a good God existed. Atheists around the world have adopted the “problem of L.A.” philosophy. They’ll have to abandon it if we submerge. I don’t care if my children have to move inland to survive in a polar-bearless world. We have no T-Rexes walking around any more and my children aren’t shedding a tear. I hope sharks go extinct. I hope raccoons, opossum and mosquitos go away forever. I’d even be willing to sacrifice some cute good animals to extinction if skunks were no longer around to move into the crawl-space of my house. Skunks, there’s a mistake of an animal if there ever was one. They have a tiny head…a stegosaurus covered in fur.

In that future world which me and my government cannot control I’m not so concerned that my kids will have to live inland but I do care that they don’t murder each other. Yeah, that’s me, Mr. Blasphemy. I flip a bird to the Recycling Pope. I’m a green atheist. You keep coming to my door giving me pamphlets and inviting me to Whole Foods Church and I remain apostate. I use your savior’s name in vain “Gore Damnit!” I have to listen to your pollution when you open your yap about the environment so you’ll have to eat some of my pollution that belches from my SUV. We have to tolerate each other’s religions but somehow, I don’t believe you’ll tolerate ‘my truth’…on Whole Foods there can be only one objective moral position and it’s your position.

Some day, perhaps not in my lifetime but in my children’s lifetime I see them flipping a bird to your religion and them going to jail. Good job, Whole Foods. 


14 Responses to “Fuck Whole Foods”

  1. Bill Says:

    I agree with ya, its silly for kids to not learn important stuff and instead live a petrfied life telling others not to pollute and driving hybrids. I say live and die happy and worry free! Plus if anything I don’t beleive in global warming as much as our clocks are off, its Feburary and theres snow all around out here in O’Fallon MO! Also some people like disasters because they can pull their cell phones out and record it for youtube! I’m not one of those people and to prove it I don’t even have a cell or even an Ipod! I also take traditionality over pollution reduction thus why I drive a ’75 VW Bug rather than a Toyota Yaris.

  2. doug Says:

    Email from a fan:

    “Good to see your blog again. You must be pretty settled in your job right now to venture into these political waters.”

    How jacked up is the world when saying “Fuck Whole Foods” can give a guy political reasons to fear losing work? Don’t jack with the Vatican.

  3. Bliss is having Doug and his unique wit put to words what I’ve been thinking about the whole global warming my ass bullshizzle for the last ten years. Can’t agree more with you on the whole desire to create fear and control us with more stupid legislation. Thanks for the refreshing comments.

  4. Mitch Says:

    You have a point about people pushing the pamphlets… that’s counter productive to the whole REDUCE idea.

    But that’s no reason to be a little whiny nancy boy who can’t recycle some plastic bags. Get some of those reusable ones and keep them in the trunk of your car. Ever have a whole bag of canned dog food rip through the bag and then through your big toe nail? It ain’t pretty. There’s a whole world of advantages when using reusable bags, and one is that you will no longer have to worry about recycling plastic ones (since it’s such a taxing task for you to perform). Consider it. Try it out.


  5. Mitch Says:


    … *If the reusable bags aren’t doing it for you, you can toss them out your car window and feel liberated.

  6. doug Says:

    Mitch, I don’t want to have to do anything. I’m pissed that this is even a discussion. I’m going to buy the reusable cloth grocery bags and throw THEM away! Take that, Death Star!

  7. Mitch Says:

    “Mitch, I don’t want to have to do anything.”

    THAT is a strong argument. I’ll accept it for now.

  8. doug Says:

    Bless you, Mitch. You just became part of the solution instead of the problem. I absolve your carbon footprint.

  9. Rose Says:

    The “experts” weren’t the one behind the Y2K paranoia. There was never any compelling evidence for that.

    We actually have good evidence for global warming because we can run tests in the lab as to how the chemicals found in the atmosphere insulate heat, etc.

    There is no compelling evience behind the anti-Global warming paranoia. And that’s all it is, you’re just afraid of scientists getting one up on you.

    • tennapel Says:

      “We actually have good evidence for global warming because we can run tests in the lab as to how the chemicals found in the atmosphere insulate heat, etc.
      There is no compelling evience behind the anti-Global warming paranoia. And that’s all it is, you’re just afraid of scientists getting one up on you.”

      And now, Rose, we see that the science you’re referencing has been completely exposed as a fraud. The most reasonable science has shown that anti-Global warming folks aren’t the paranoid ones. Nor are we anti science.

      Now that you’ve accused me of fearing that science is getting one up on me, the evidence shows that you’re in the camp that is more afraid of science getting one up on you. I’m just wondering now, if you’ve taken one step out of your camp to demonstrate that you want to follow science and avoid the pro Global Warming hysteria. Something tells me you’re still doubling down…

  10. Ben Says:

    Did you see that trailer for the Gore movie.
    A bunch of crap about how if we love our children we will go and see it. Makes me furious.
    They’re trying to make it this moral issue that I must pay for.

    “They can’t learn the 10 commandments like ‘Do not murder’ but they can learn that it’s a sin to throw a tin can off the side of the road.”
    Yeah, this stuff just makes me angry. Religion is all taboo, except if it files under “politically correct.”

    lol. I thought I was the only one.
    This year my sr. high youth group had to make cloth bags that said our church was going green. They gave us examples of other bags which said God is going Green. That just about made me explode!

    People really can’t see when they’re being manipulated into throwing all of their money away.


  11. Ben Says:

    “freedom from the constraints of our parent’s values”

    One the other hand, I disagree with this way of thinking.
    Do you not honor the values your elders gave you? Are you like the Prodigal Son?

  12. Doug Says:

    The problem with the Boomers is that you have a generation of Prodigal parents.

  13. Ben Says:

    Prodigal actually means spending a lot of money, that is why the parable is called the Prodigal son.

    Do you mean it to imply that they were rebellious?
    I still don’t see a problem with throwing trash away.
    That sort of thing can actually kill animals, and destroy the food chain. I’m not sure you could debate that.

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