Please, Don’t Kill My Family

February 3, 2008

I just wanted all of the environmentalists who are standing outside of my house that I was kidding about Whole Foods. I think it should be against the law to shop anywhere but Whole Foods.

I want the management of all the companies I could ever work for to know that I’m on board with your Green Initiatives. I hope I can still make a living creating cheaply-made cartoons and sit coms for your ever-expanding and ever-more-environmentally conscious entertainment brand.

Your full-time executives who make your conglomerate more environmentally sound are my new Lord and Savior. I used to be unsaved, but then I saw the light and I accept mother earth as my Lord and savior. I understand now that people who drive SUVs are the most selfish people in the world. People who ride bikes are good, especially when they do not exhale carbon dioxide.

And good God, don’t get me started on those people who reproduce! There’s a special place in extinction (hell) for them. I’m not sure how I can atone for my four children but we’re starting by only wearing hemp clothing and I’m re-using our plastic water-bottles.

To the management of Whole Foods, I wanted you to know that you all deserve raises, and if you should ever lower your prices to match that of even the most expensive corporate VONS I’ve ever been to, I think the government should subsidize your brand. It’s like the PBS of groceries. And can we get more fake meat? Tofu bacon, facon, egg-beaters, soy milk etc. just makes me feel like back on the farm, covered in blood from a freshly slaughtered animal my Republican-fascist-anti-choice-reproducing father and I cut up to eat. It seems weird that you serve beef anywhere in the store given the flatulence thing.

 I’d like to apologize for having stepped into a Wallmart exactly twice in my life. It was mostly to make fun of the fat, ugly, unfashionable Republicans with meaty moles stuck all over their farmer-tanned faces. Wallmart?! Freaking evil! Wallmart probably tiles their floors with human bone, no wait, they probably tile their floor with California Gnat-Catcher bone. The humanity! Humanity and Colmes! Speaking of Alan Colmes, is he a Sleestack or did his mother marry a Sleestack? We fans want to know.

Anyways, the sooner I can organize a posse to spray paint our E.L.F. logos on the doors of Wallmart the better. If I do shop at Wallmart I will bring my own reusable grocery bags, made of hemp, sewn by free, Democratically elected legal-aged adults in fully insured third world countries where they have clean water, provided by our government with no DDT allowed to soften the eggshells of condors though millions of people are killed by Malaria because of the non-DDT environment. What’s a few less people? People are the problem in the first place. Which reminds me, we have to eat all humans who are at Wallmart right now. 

I’m sorry, Whole Foods. Forgive me for my sins.

I’ll put a wind-power harvester thingy in my front yard. Though a windmill shaped thingy and all those people holding pitchforks to kill my family are going to look a lot like Frankenstein. Frankenstein! What an electricity wasting bastard. Do you know what it costs to power a Jacob’s Ladder? You could run a Prius for seconds with that kind of power.

Lead me not into temptation but deliver me from meat, dairy and non-hemp apparel. Amen. 

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3 Responses to “Please, Don’t Kill My Family”

  1. sideache Says:

    Whole Foods gives you gas – they may kill your family anyway. Remember the study of cow flatulence depleting the ozone? – well, my friend, you will go first.

    You see, the larger the cow, the more the injection of methane into the environ. Your kids are little, though possibly potent, the vaporous volumes are limited for now. Your wife may be safe because attractive females are not given to such behavior. You however, are 6′ 9″, and that gives you a greater capacity for production and tappage. I fear that your switch to Whole-foods prompts me to bid you a found farewell.

  2. Maxwell Morgan Says:

    SO long as I’m unconcious when I die, I don’t care much. Pretty soon, maybe within the next 200 years or so, we’ll be livin’ on mars, so the earth can kiss my ass. Plus I’ll be dead.

  3. Rose Says:

    The earth, being one big organism, is the closest thing to a God we know for sure exists. Your strawman of environmentalists is just embarassing.


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