Spammers Are All Out of Ideas

March 3, 2008

I just got a spam from a made up name with a subject that reads “Hot repl1ca w4tches from 2008”. I don’t want to break the heart of this poor spammer but if I wanted a Rolex knock-off wouldn’t I have ordered one by now? I’m trying to meditate on every email I get about fake watches and understand what’s going through the sender’s mind.

“He’s gotten 18 emails a day offering fake watches but after four years of deleting them every day, today he’s gonna buy one!

If that’s what you’re thinking Mr. Korean counterfeiter you just tipped your hand about why your country only just got flushing toilets six months ago. There’s a reason why I had steak for dinner tonight and you ate roots– no wait, you stood in line at the commie market to get your government subsidized roots. When I visited Korea I would have adopted one of your children out but I didn’t have a loaf of bread on me to pay for it.

There’s a lot of spamming that I understand. Men are weak animals so you might be able to tempt a doughy, desperate man into buying discount Viagra. Because if there’s one thing we men want to scrimp on it’s third world pharmaceuticals that mess with our erections. Yes, some men want Viagra. I get that. Hell, some men might still be stuck in the 70s and need a penis-enlargement pill. But why, why, WHY?! would anyone buy a knock off watch from a Russian spammer?

If I did want to buy one of these watches I’d go downtown like normal people. The watch is sitting there on the guy’s hairy arm–they come pre-warmed! I don’t want to unscramble his words to understand what he means by “repl1ca of w4tches”. And yes, I’m too lazy to add “w4tches” to my junk-mail filter after four years of w4tch offers so shame on me.

Spammers, I have some news for you. As you read this in your malaria-ridden hut just trust me, there are more than four things to sell on the internet. You’ve played out every junk-mail filter combination of numbers and letters on those four products. You could actually send out offers to legit products. Why not print 1000 novels of “Bridges of Madison County” and send out a spam offer? You could expand your demographic to women. Ever think of selling venus fly-traps? When I was a kid I’d buy at least one of those a year and it would die within weeks. Built in obsolescence. Money in your hut. You could give your kids a day off at the salt mines and take them to Disneyland. Maybe buy them some meat to eat.

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5 Responses to “Spammers Are All Out of Ideas”

  1. Bob McGowan Says:

    What about Sea Monkeys? I never bought a Venus Fly Trap but I was a sucker for those loveable sea monkeys? They could mail out an envelope of sand and kids would spend days staring at it lying on the bottom of a fish bowl.

  2. tennapel Says:

    Bob, you’ll never guess what I got the kids yesterday…we’re hatching SeaMonkeys even as we speak. The kids looked in the directions and saw pictures of the sea monkeys and were disappointed to find out we were actually raising brine shrimp that wouldn’t be visible for another 2 weeks. Olivia tried to drink the water.

    I also noticed that they removed the false claim from all SeaMonkeys reading material that said, “Teach them tricks.” I suppose they lost enough court cases to get that false advertising off the packaging.

  3. Bob McGowan Says:

    You mean they can’t really do tricks? I spent hours on end trying to teach them to leap out of the fishbowl and take food out of my hand like Flipper. It was pretty hard holding a pich of yeast or whatever you’re supposed to feed them. And do they still advertise that they come in various colors? I’m pretty sure that at some point the “new and improved” sea monkeys were supposed to be brightly colored. Which ended up being barely perceptable shades of light pink, blue and green. Keep Olivia away from the bowl. I think my Dad drank mine one time and he was never the same again.

  4. Rachel Says:

    I get spam for Viagra and penis enlargement products daily.

    I’m a girl.

  5. B. T Says:

    What happened to your Mothman movie


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