From Mom, With Love

March 18, 2008

Mom and Dad came in town and are staying on the fold-out couch for one week. I love when they visit because Mom just picks up her job where she left off 24 years ago. Things around the house are magically cleaned, food is cooked, new foods just appear on the shelf–and it’s GOOD food.

Mom sat next to me at dinner last night and I didn’t even think about putting my arm on her arm during the whole meal. My family is very affectionate so putting an arm around mom or dad is normal.

After dinner the dishes were magically cleared without my help. I went into the other room and came back to the dishes being finished. Not finished and drying on the counter–they were finished and put away.

Holding my eleven month old son, Johnny and mom walked up to us. Mom put her arm around us and didn’t kiss Johnny, she kissed me. “He looks just like you did at his age.” Then it hit me, when mom came up and put her arm around me, she was thinking of me as her little baby. My son triggered a 41 year old memory in Mom’s mind when she held me in her arms while cooking in the kitchen, no doubt filled with cigarette smoke.

My kids are raised in world where food has no soul. We aren’t allowed to put cake or sugary snacks in their lunch because it might be offensive to other kids or whatever to their classmates at the Catholic pre-school they attend. We can’t put peanut butter on their sandwiches because two kids in the whole school are allergic.

My poor kids have to eat shitty cereal from Whole Foods. The cereal they eat is called PANDA PUFFS which is low in sugar, made from crops without genetically tweaked corn and every box comes with a preachy message about man clearing rain-forests. Indoctrination complete. When I was a kid a cereal box called PANDA PUFFS was probably made with bits of real panda.

Imagine my shock when I opened the cupboard and found a box of Zingers. DOLLY MADISON ZINGERS! What the hell happened? Did Jesus return and take us to heaven? I checked the ingredients and there was no hemp involved so it couldn’t be some piece-of-shit Whole Foods knock-off. This was for real…ZINGERS! There were some Ho-Hos in the box too so this had to be my parent’s box of travel snacks. Mom brought some love in a box! She knows what makes my heart and soul tic. Mom loves me. And what about my Beloved wife? How can she love anyone she makes eat Panda Puffs? I’m calling Child Protective Services and have her thrown into goody-goody parent jail.

When I was in high school I used to eat a bowl of Captain Crunch as a snack. Not just Captain Crunch but I’d put a piece of cake on top. If there was no cake I would cover it in Hershey’s chocolate syrup. I regularly put a scoop of ice cream on my Apple Jacks and I mean I did that every day. We were raised on Honey Smacks when they were called SUGAR Smacks. Frosted Flakes used to be called SUGAR Frosted Flakes because moms used to know that if you love your kids you’ll smother them in sugar.

My kids love when I make oatmeal because I put a heaping spoonful of brown sugar on their bowl. Mom just sprinkles a pinch of brown sugar. That’s empirical proof that I love them more.


12 Responses to “From Mom, With Love”

  1. Gloria Says:

    My mom (and dad) used to make pancakes shaped like squares, triangles, sonic the hedgehog or whatever we wanted. They don’t do that anymore. Now my sisters usually cook.
    We didn’t ever have much money, but my mom would buy us treats sometimes, anyway. And when she went to Sam’s Club for the stuff we had to buy in bulk she’d always get big blocks of colby-jack cheese because she knew I liked it. My mom was not the greatest example of behavior ever, but she’s always loved her family more than anything.

  2. Achoo Says:

    I might need to marry a health freak because I’m going to be a parent like Doug.

  3. Max Says:

    I’m near-literally burning with envy. You get awesome parents like that and I get a psychotic hateful demon in the guise of a mom who leaves me with 5 scars on my body. C’mon God, whens it MY turn?!?

  4. tennapel Says:

    Hey, your mom may have scarred your body, but my mom broke my arm when I was in 3rd grade! We all have those stories so don’t play martyr with me. All parents make mistakes…serious ones. Mine just also stocked the cupboards with kick ass Dolly Madison goodness. If I could have a perfect mom who didn’t let me soak hot-dog buns in honey and butter I’d take my imperfect mom any day.

  5. Lemm Says:

    I’m just going to nod and agree.

    Personally, I’m eating corn flakes without sugar on top lately…it doesn’t seem to need it anymore. Weetabix however…well that still needs the sugar to be edible.

  6. Chris Says:

    Haha, my mom gave me NOTHING sweet when I was a kid, but that doesn’t stop her form spoon feeding my kids ice cream and chocolate now…my own grandma used to give me Fruit Loops when I visited her place, that was a little circle of heaven to this sugar depraved child! Really enjoying your new take on the blog, Doug, I’m so happy for the latest development as well…praying the movie in fast tracked and of all your books, I think this might have the makings to become my favorite!

  7. Nodak Says:

    You just tell the Catholic preschool that watching your kids eat cake is good penence and might shorten the other kids time in purgatory. “Offer it up” used to be pretty common advice in Catholic schools. As for the prohibition on peanut butter, there is nothing like anaphelactic shock to keep a kid from mooching of another kids lunch.:)

    The first time my grandmother ate Cheerios she made a face and reached for teh suger bowl. I would do the same with our kids except diabetes runs in the family. Still I get to smuther them with trips to the park, toys, movies etc…

  8. Machete_Bear Says:

    @Lemm: Weetabix? I thought that only existed in Buffy lore?

    By the way, I hear tales of Zingers from people on the west coast like they’re some legendary food of the God’s akin to ambrosia. Some may speak it’s name, yet none truly hold the earthly comprehension to savor it’s immaculate wonder.

  9. Josh Says:

    Ha! Ha! – stupid panda puffs crap.

  10. When I found out about the whole “there are no real panda bits in Panda Puff cereal” debacle, I headed straight to my local zoo. Since we don’t have a panda exhibit, I had to settle for barn owl–which is still tasty.

    I love your blog.

  11. Garett Says:

    That made my day. Great blog… Real chunks of panda, lmfao

  12. Tommy C. Says:

    I am so sorry to hear that your children can’t have peanutbutter at school. Peanutbutter is the best food ever. And, while I’m at it cheers to Captain Crunch.

    I like sugary foods, boo hiss to the organic stuff.

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