Lizard: Mouth to Mouth
May 21, 2008
I don’t like leaving pool toys in the water when we aren’t swimming because if my kids snake into the gated pool, it seems like they might be more tempted to go into the water without me around. Hi, I’m paranoid. Not a day goes by owning my pool where I don’t imagine one of my kids dead at the bottom of the pool. I can’t talk my wife into filling the pool with cement and my imagination won’t let me be, so there you go.
But yesterday I saw a lizard at the bottom of the pool. I scooped him out with a net and he looked freshly drowned. Rigor Mortis hadn’t settled in yet so I tried tipping the blue belly upside down and drain the water from his lungs. By now, my three-year-old Olivia walked up to see what I was doing. She wanted to touch the lizard not knowing he was dead.
I told Olivia that the lizard went into the pool without his floaties so he went to the bottom and died. She asked if he went to Jesus. I asked her to pray that Jesus would bring him back to us. She started praying, though I didn’t hear anything about lizards or drowning. I think she was praying about pizza. Adults aren’t the only ones who have a problem staying on topic in their prayer life.
Now that she was praying I figured it would be a great Disney moment if the lizard came back from the dead…though, Disney doesn’t really allow prayer in any of their material since they don’t want to offend the 4% of the world that doesn’t pray. Anyways, I thought I might help Jesus out since it didn’t look like he was doing such a great job at ressurrecting this lizard.
His pink tongue was hanging out as I pried his mouth open and blew a few puffs into his lungs. I could feel his ribs open up in my fingers and I started tapping his chest hoping to get the heart working. I also cupped my hands around him to heat him up.
I can’t imagine the lizard was down there for long and I’ve found lizards in hybernation during mid-winter when they took a breath maybe every ten minutes. I figured there was a good chance for resuscitation if I could shake him up until my daughter’s prayers kicked in.
After about ten minutes I just started feeling funny. Like I was frenching a dead lizard…which seemed infinitely more pleasurable than drinking the diet chocolate-cherry Dr. Pepper I had for lunch. Olivia had stopped praying after about thirty seconds and was in another part of the house playing with her toys.
I shrugged and threw the dead lizard in the bushes.