Lizard: Mouth to Mouth

May 21, 2008

I don’t like leaving pool toys in the water when we aren’t swimming because if my kids snake into the gated pool, it seems like they might be more tempted to go into the water without me around. Hi, I’m paranoid. Not a day goes by owning my pool where I don’t imagine one of my kids dead at the bottom of the pool. I can’t talk my wife into filling the pool with cement and my imagination won’t let me be, so there you go.

But yesterday I saw a lizard at the bottom of the pool. I scooped him out with a net and he looked freshly drowned. Rigor Mortis hadn’t settled in yet so I tried tipping the blue belly upside down and drain the water from his lungs. By now, my three-year-old Olivia walked up to see what I was doing. She wanted to touch the lizard not knowing he was dead.

I told Olivia that the lizard went into the pool without his floaties so he went to the bottom and died. She asked if he went to Jesus. I asked her to pray that Jesus would bring him back to us. She started praying, though I didn’t hear anything about lizards or drowning. I think she was praying about pizza. Adults aren’t the only ones who have a problem staying on topic in their prayer life.

Now that she was praying I figured it would be a great Disney moment if the lizard came back from the dead…though, Disney doesn’t really allow prayer in any of their material since they don’t want to offend the 4% of the world that doesn’t pray. Anyways, I thought I might help Jesus out since it didn’t look like he was doing such a great job at ressurrecting this lizard.

His pink tongue was hanging out as I pried his mouth open and blew a few puffs into his lungs. I could feel his ribs open up in my fingers and I started tapping his chest hoping to get the heart working. I also cupped my hands around him to heat him up.

I can’t imagine the lizard was down there for long and I’ve found lizards in hybernation during mid-winter when they took a breath maybe every ten minutes. I figured there was a good chance for resuscitation if I could shake him up until my daughter’s prayers kicked in.

After about ten minutes I just started feeling funny. Like I was frenching a dead lizard…which seemed infinitely more pleasurable than drinking the diet chocolate-cherry Dr. Pepper I had for lunch. Olivia had stopped praying after about thirty seconds and was in another part of the house playing with her toys.

I shrugged and threw the dead lizard in the bushes.

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12 Responses to “Lizard: Mouth to Mouth”

  1. Cal Says:

    If I were you I would feel the same way about letting my children around the water unoccupied, it would be dearly unsafe. things happen that we cant always stop and it’s ok if you worry, if you don’t than what kind of parent would you be. Its to bad how you found that lizard in your pool, perhaps I wouldn’t give the lizard mouth to mouth, but If you cared enough, you would. I think you did the right thing in trying to save the lizard, too bad it didn’t work out.

    -Cal

  2. Nate Taylor Says:

    Every once in a while, I hear or read a really bizarre story that somehow seems to have some sort of moral application. Although it probably doesn’t matter, especially because of the obscurity of the application in this scenario, I figured I should at least let you know that this was amusing to read.

    -Nate

  3. AwwwBucketHead Says:

    Actually, 16% of the World’s population are Non-Religous (Atheist, Agnostic, No Preference etc.), with 13.2% nonreligious population according to ARIS study of 2001.

    The reason you don’t see praying in Disney, is to not offend people who don’t pray to that religion, considering Christianity only accounts for 33% of the worlds population religion.

    The reason you don’t hear people using the N word, is because it might offend 24.8% of Americas black population.

    BUT…. That was a nice story. You seem to stumble across a lot of lizards in your home.

  4. Max Volume Says:

    Did you get checked for Salmonella?

  5. TenNapel Says:

    I got checked for herpes.

  6. TenNapel Says:

    Once again, AwwwBucketHead, your terror-reflex kicked in when you thought the tiniest religious point could be discussed without question. You should see a shrink. Better still, you should seek a pastor.

    I didn’t say “non-religious” in my post. I said, “who didn’t pray.”

    I also didn’t say “Pray to the Christian God.” so we know that’s not why Disney would remove prayer from a movie, though we know that’s a common excuse paranoid anti-Christians and school administrators might use.

  7. AwwwBucketHead Says:

    You’re feisty today. That was the tamest post yet.

  8. TenNapel Says:

    AwwwBucketHead, sorry if I got out my fangs a little too early. You didn’t have that coming.

  9. blackcat12 Says:

    I feel sorry for that lizard.

  10. lemm Says:

    lol. :)

    Maybe you could get a good swimming pool cover or put a fence around it…then again you’re more likely to trip over a fence…that could be even worse.
    Make sure they know not to run around the pool.

  11. P.C. Unfunny Says:

    HA ! You got to fit this little Lizard resuscitation episode into a future comic Doug.


  12. my kids really like to play with those assorted pool toys, they specially like pokemon pool toys and stuff like that ‘~~


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