What I Learned About Myself from the Democratic Convention

August 28, 2008

I’m a Conservative Republican. After listening to the speakers at the Democratic Convention I learned a lot about myself I didn’t know before.

I want children to go to bed hungry. I want to ruin children’s education. I want children to perform worse and worse. I only care about children in traditional family structures, I don’t care about other children. I want to sell out the children’s future economically. I want to ruin the world for the future’s children. I work to make animals go extinct and try to make ocean levels rise so children can’t live anymore.

I want the rich to be richer. I only want a few to make all of their money off the backs of poor or real people who work hard. I want people to have unstable home loans to get them into a house, then I want them to lose their house. I try to lose jobs for people. I try to get as many families off of insurance as possible I don’t want anyone to have health care. I want to keep dying kids from getting medicine in Canada.

I hate brown people. I want Mexicans to die before going to the doctor. I want to use Mexicans for work and I don’t want them to get paid. I’ll give you one guess where I want their money to go…I want to give it to the rich! If I don’t vote for a brown person it’s because I’m not ready for brown in leadership. I don’t want women in leadership. I want to obstruct the progress of brown people and women who just want a job or want to succeed in politics.

I want war to last forever. I don’t care about our troops. I want people to die to get oil for the rich. I don’t want to catch Bin Laden. I don’t want to talk to foreign leaders, I want to end talks, go to war and piss off Europeans who have always loved us. I want us to be less prosperous than China and India. I want to give them our jobs. I want American industry to die and go overseas.

I don’t like unity. I want division. I don’t compromise the way the other side does. I just want to divide with my negative politics. I hate positive politics. I want a dirty campaign. I want to call names and not address issues. I want to protect the status que. I hate change if it involves good ideas.

I don’t like Obama because of his name. I don’t like Obama because I think he’s a Muslim. I don’t like Obama because he’s black. I don’t like Obama because his ears are too big.

I want the government in a woman’s womb. I’m against science. I don’t want gays to love each other because they aren’t like me. I want to stop love. I’m against hope. I think saying “we can” is stupid. I don’t think we can do anything. I don’t want those with horrible diseases to get help.

I think Christianity is just for my party. I think God is a Republican. I think we have control over all Christians. I like to take advantage of Christians. I lie. I lie to people to get what I need. I don’t really respect Christians I just want to pretend to be Christian so Christians will empower me to go to war for oil. I love oil. I don’t have any values but to serve oil companies. I’m in the pocket of the rich. I don’t have any agenda of my own but to protect the rich. And the Saudi Family. I just want to ally with the Saudi Family and screw over families in America.

My values are not American. My values are to help the rich. I took away America’s greatness. I’m preventing America from going back to a status of greatness like when Clinton was President. I want to go back to our time of failure like under Reagan. I want another president who will take away America’s greatness just like Reagan took away America’s greatness that Carter built up. Kennedy had him some American greatness, before Nixon came along and took America’s greatness away.

We have no arguments but to bring up Brittany Spears and Paris Hilton. We spend a lot of money to tell lies about Obama.

I want four more years of Bush. I want four more years of secret Cheney puppeteering on behalf of the oil companies. I want four more years of Bush joblessness. I want four more years of Bush expansion of government spending.

I have to be honest, I didn’t know any of this stuff about we Conservative Republicans before the Democratic Convention. I learned a lot about myself this week.


18 Responses to “What I Learned About Myself from the Democratic Convention”

  1. kevin Says:

    so, this blog is worded in an ironic way. y’know, words spoken in a way to so as to convey a message opposite of the literal meaning.

  2. Kenny R. Brown Says:

    You didn’t know all that stuff? You didn’t know that you’re an enormous sinner? Just like McCain, Obama, and every other human being who ever lived… save one.

  3. AwwwBucketHead Says:

    At least you can admit your faults, the next step is changing them.

  4. Azz Says:

    Cry me a frigging river. You Republicans tell the left what they think and believe in every day

  5. Indeed they did tell us a lot about ourselves. They talk about all the things they are going to try and do not realizing that it won’t work… we talk of the things that we’ve done that are working… thats the real difference. Nuke the moon.

  6. tennapel Says:

    I was being ironic…other than the part about wanting children to go to bed hungry every night.

  7. Matt_L Says:

    I don’t think Doug was crying about anything Azz. That’s what opposing political factions do, we slander the crap out of each other; but at least when we call the leftists a bunch of earth-worshiping, baby-murdering crybabies, we aren’t exaggerating.

    I think you’re the one who needs to stop crying.

  8. Dirk Says:

    You forgot that republicans wanna nuke the earth.

  9. Josh Says:

    Doug, I really really enjoy reading your blog. It’s funny and encouraging and this post really gets its point across…to most people anyway.

  10. Rose Says:

    I don’t think you understand the purpose of a generalisation. Generalisations can be harsh but at the same time, you can’t shy away from pointing out trends. A lot of those things ARE true of many republicans and it’s obvious you’ve taken the statements far too much to heart. You don’t seem to know a lot about politics – 90% of it these days is baseless slander instead. The democrats are no less guilty, not are they that far from being “Conservative” themselves.

    If you ask me you should push away from being conservative anyway because it’s based on appealing to traditiona, not reason.

    Baseless slander is bad but only pointing it out on one side isn’t a good idea. It seems that you are reluctant to learn any of the possible negative sides of your views anyway – which leads to frustration, and often leads to this slander to begin with.

  11. Shake Says:

    Have fun with Palin and her creationism push. Gee, I sure do love years of study and science being thrown out the window for GOD DID IT ALL HURR


    and tell me where Obama or anybody said republicans/conservative/whatever hate brown people? Methinks SOMEBODIES FEELING GUILTY OUT THERE.

    Seriously, I can picture you typing all of that out with an angry red face sweating ferociously while screaming profanities or something and never taking your eyes away from the screen. I mean, damn, a paragraph would have done. We get it, you’re persecuted, cry some more. Better yet, meddle in my business and tell me I’m wrong for being gay, aborting a baby, etc cause this is YOUR life, not mine.

  12. Ricardo Says:

    I don’t know what to say here Doug. I think you are just hearing the sterotypes of the democrats. Me personally, I am lost in an endless sea of empty promises and bull crap. I don’t want Obama because all he is says is “change” and I don’t want McCain because I don’t agree with him.

  13. Mark Says:

    Doug is spot on…

  14. McCain ran a lot of negative campaigning and Obama took the high road….most of the time. Why did McCain go this route? It really seemed like he had nothing to talk about. He voted with Bush 90% of the time and apparently people DO want change. Thank God.

    Democrats and Republicans both see in black and white more often than not. That’s the problem with the Party system, I guess. It’s promotes divisiveness, sometimes. Abortion is a good example. Republicans like to say it’s murder and that there is no other way to look at it. Democrats like to say it’s purely about choice. I have a Republican friend who is for abortion because he thinks it’s a necessary evil because many people can’t afford children, rape happens, and this world is overpopulated. Does this mean he’s evil or that he has to give up his Republican card? Gimme a black and white answer here… ;)

  15. TenNapel Says:

    McCain took the route of flushing out Obama’s negative traits because the press wouldn’t do its job on Obama/Biden…it only did its job nailing McCain/Palin. Obama started the negative campaign by even claiming McCain was four more years of Bush…the first lie of the race, or is that a compliment in your book? Please don’t tell me that it’s true, because it’s also true that Obama had a racist maniac for a life mentor. I discount ALL negative adds as part of the normal political process. But I take issue with the idea that McCain was particularly negative, or negative without reason. Your repeating Obama’s “voting with Bush 90% of the time” negative mantra only shows how well his negative campaign worked on you.

    Republicans and Dems see things in black and white because we are a culturally divided culture. We’re almost perfectly split on most issues. It’s part of the two party checks and balances system. Now that we have one party in every branch of government we’ll have far less division, Europe will love us, peace will come to the earth, etc. I’m rooting for Obama to succeed…I just don’t think his way is the way to accomplish those things.

  16. I hear ya. You may be correct that the media didn’t smear Obama like they could have. I won’t argue there. Palin was such an easy target with her accent and good looks……. and McCain just as easy with him looking so ancient. McCain still should have focused on what HE was going to do….period. Here’s the dealio with Obama repeating over and over the fact that McCain supported Bush 90%….I think it was very effective for those of us who want someone that represents CHANGE.

    Is it brainwashing if it’s factual? McCain was fear mongering when he could have spoke about what he was planning to do and defend his own seemingly confused mantra that he wanted CHANGE, too. McCain’s own record worked against him, unfortunately, for him and his supporters. Playing on people fears and suggesting Obama was a terrorist and a Socialist when he didn’t really believe it himself? Wasn’t that a big waste of his dollar and a waste of everyones time. It, also, makes him look like a liar especially after his gracious succession speech. If he’s still worried that Obama is a terrorist/Socialist he should probably maintain that, right?

    I’m not sure what you mean by “his way”. I think he’s going to pick his team of advisors based on their effectiveness and views and do the best he can…very similar to Bill Clinton. I think he’s in touch with “us/we the people” because he’s fairly young, he has kids who are going through our shitty school system NOW, he’s computer literate, well educated(Magna Cum Luade), and has a mixed racial heritage. It really seems like his finger is “on the pulse” of what America SHOULD be concerned about.

    I’m curious….what do you think McCain’s “way” would be to accomplish peace, restore our nation’s global reputation, and so forth? I don’t imagine it being all that different than Obama’s, honestly.

  17. Daniel J. Splitt Says:

    I am a left-leaning moderate, who is extremely irritable towards most everyone with any extreme political views. You are right though…I have to admit that most of America is currently leaning left. I’m not old enough to remember a democrat being in office and being aware of what that means. You’d have to tell me, but I get the feeling that after eight years of dealing with anybody you don’t completely adore, you’re entirely prepared to go in the complete opposite direction. I don’t remember the election after Clinton’s impeachment too well…however, I think that is a major contribution to why a republican candidate was chosen. Similarly, I think all the negative coverage of Bush (whether or not you listen to it) had an effect on the outcome of the most recent election.

    Looking back, I don’t think there was enough reason to impeach Clinton. Separation of church and state and whatnot. On that note, had he slept with his mother I still don’t think there would be enough reason to impeach him so that says something about my idealistic political viewpoints. I can’t say what I’ll think of Bush’s presidency in 10 years, but I’m going to avoid saying too much until some time has passed.

    I feel the need to say that I’m 19 years old and in College. At home, all of my friends are super-liberal, and at school all of my friends are super-conservative. I’m being entirely literal when I use the word “all” too.

    When I’m home I watch a lot of news, and I mainly watch MSNBC, which is extremely liberal. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard every one of these ridiculous generalizations about republicans (I’m watching it as I write this, and I’m pretty sure they’re attempting to pin the Israel/Palestine conflict on Bush…) and I catch it. Keep in mind though, that your party, and your media also makes a few stupid generalizations about liberals.

    Sooooooo, I’m pretty sure the point of this comment was to say “Thank you for writing this.”

  18. L.R. Weizel Says:

    One thing honestly concerns and confuses me here though. If you’re a “conservative republican”, conservative especially usually has certain connotations no matter the culture.

    Generally conservatives aren’t terrible tolerant of “whacky” characters, or more specifically, like to push their own idea of tamed down “Whacky characters”, especially in the US.

    You created characters like the cast of EWJ, but people who are socially conservative, in real life, generally aren’t all that tolerant of people who are genuine oddballs. They’d be all “I respect your right to do this!” but still hold that caustic attitude and go around bitching about people with purple hair.

    This kind of attitude is my main problem with conservatism. I’m pretty progressive in of myself because honestly, I have to be. I think when you “have” to be a certain way or else you encroach on your own freedoms, not just to own guns and shit like that, but at your essence to be who you are, something’s wrong.

    I find it disturbing that someone who created a childhood hero of mine would probably hold such strong views, or align themselves with those who have strong views against who I am as a person, as so much of what I am is inherently “respected” by conservatives in that annoying shallow “Christian tolerance” kind of way and often flat out hated.

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